I had a moment where I remembered. It almost happened. I totally would have gone through with it. We had a plan. We got scared. That’s probably a good thing. The betrayal would have had even more layers to it if we’d gone through with it. Part of me thinks we wouldn’t have stopped talking long enough for anything to happen anyhow. It was easy. We never ran out of things to say. It threw me off-balance when things changed so quickly. Logically I knew I’d be okay, but WOW…it was hard.
How odd to go from stranger to best friends-ish and back to strangers again like it was all just a short dream. But you weren’t a stranger to me, nor was I to you. You knew some of the deepest parts of me. Even now I remember your secrets and challenges and goals and disappointments. And yet months later you’re just someone I used to know.
It’s still unsettling to know that they’ve all seen all there is to see of me. I didn’t want them to see me. I wanted you to see me (and not just my physique – though it was pretty hot, right?!). They saw you too, though. You’re the one who has to endure seeing them face to face each week. I’m glad I don’t have to. That has to be awkward and uncomfortable. I suppose that should be somewhat comforting to me. Hmmm. What a weird ride.
I’m not naive. I’m fully aware of what almost happened. My world changed during the Summer of 2017. I despise and love you (even now). I guess I should clarify that I mean I love the person that I thought you were. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that person only existed in my imagination. Like just now. I forgot for a second.
Life is mysterious. I love it. I love all of the feelings. The good feelings are way more pleasurable, but there’s so much value in the ones that sting. The thought of any kind of rejection used to scare me and shake me to the core. I still don’t like it (who does?) but I no longer fear it. That’s freeing I guess.
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: Love Shack by The B-52’s. It’s disappointing because I heard an awesome 90’s song in the car this evening and promised myself I’d remember to make sure I had it on iTunes when I got home. I even told myself to remember specific lyrics to google if I forgot the title. I can’t remember the title or the lyrics now. Unfortunate. It was a good one.