I hope you’re well. I’m fairly certain that everything is alright with Mrs.Schmoopy now so I feel a lot better. That’s been heavy on my heart because you said she wouldn’t stay if anything like that ever came out. But by this point I feel sure that she did. What an answer to prayer. If anyone deserved to catch a break or be given a second chance, it’s you. You never wanted to hurt her or anyone. You were so very protective. And I knew I’d never tell a soul, so I figured it was something you never needed to worry about. I never imagined the scenario that actually took place. What a freaking disaster. I know it seems overly dramatic, but I really don’t know how I’m ever going to get past what happened. I’m so happy to have Mr.Kitt-en. He’s made everything that is most important in the world to me (him, the girls) alright. He’s shown me more mercy, grace, and love than anyone on earth deserves…least of all me. I mean that. I’m so thankful for that. His love is the biggest source of joy and the greatest blessing of my life. But the embarrassment, horror, shame, guilt, fear, and sadness of the incident itself and of our friendship? That’s still tremendously painful. It’s still very present. It still plagues my thoughts throughout the day. I think it’s hard for me to just let it all go because I’m the one that caused all of it and that you hate me.
It’s hard for me to imagine how you must have felt when you revealed everything the next morning. I wonder if you hoped I would lose my job right along with my dignity. I wonder how disappointed you must’ve been when you found out I was staying? Not that it matters, but I wish you knew how many times I told them that I didn’t want you to be in trouble. I begged them to not discipline you. I told them you didn’t deserve it; that it was all my fault. Because the way I acted that day was my fault. But prior to that you were in my life because you wanted to be. You chose to be. You looked forward to talking to me. You told me how much you cared for me. I don’t think you have it in you to lie You’re kind and compassionate. I believe you meant all the things you said to me. What I have trouble reconciling is the fact that my bad behavior that one day made every bit of the good completely go away. And in that moment I can’t blame you.
The things I said were awful. It must have caused you so much anxiety. You took me at my word as you always did, only this time I was using my words to manipulate you to get my way. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s crushing to know that out of all of the people you’ve ever met or known, I was responsible for the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Out of all of the people you’ve ever met or known, I’m the one you dislike more than all of them. Sorry will never be enough because it will never convey how deeply I regret that day. It won’t capture all of the love I had in my heart for you as my friend and lay it out end to end for you to see how big it was. It won’t erase the consequences we’ve both had to face as a result of it. It won’t change the way you feel, and I wouldn’t expect it to. Of course I can never tell you I’m sorry anyhow, so I guess contemplating all the reasons sorry falls short is a futile exercise. In fact, if anyone other than me were reading this, I’m certain it would be a glorious testament to human folly. All of the contradictions. All of the confusion. All of the lamenting. All of the remembering. All for the same ending: a broken friendship. Never underestimate the importance of thinking before you speak. Words carry a lot of weight and power. Power to do great things in the lives of others, or power to destroy. What’s done is forever done. My dear friend, Schmoopy…may you ever and always choose yours wisely. I wish I had.
Today it hurts badly,
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: My Favorite Mistake by Sheryl Crow. And it’s true. Out of all of the friendship mistakes I’ve made throughout my life (and there have been a few), you’re my very favorite one.