Today I tried very hard to really just be in the moment and enjoy every minute of the day. Even the ones when this situation popped into my mind and made me feel crappy. After all, I still have the privilege of being here and riding around the sun with everyone else. I’m ever reminded with what is going on right now with someone in my family that I’m close to – literally watching a life well lived on this earth for more than 90 years come to an end – that life is so precious. Every moment matters. Every moment has to count.
I realized tonight at church while listening to another family’s testimony of unimaginable pain and grief (which were consequences of a very bad decision) that it’s important for me to not even try to bypass this process. I have to go through it. This whole situation is part of the process of making me into the woman God wants me to be. Even though I’m filled with sorrow and regret I cling to the hope and belief that the way God will redeem my past is greater than what I can imagine. Sometimes He lets us go through something for the purpose of equipping us to help other people who will be in this same situation. I hope so. I would love for something good to come out of this.
It’s clear that though we live life forward, we understand life backwards. So I wait for understanding. I desperately wish I could ask for forgiveness from the person I so wronged. I don’t expect to ever get it, but I’d at least like to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
I miss Schmoopy. I miss laughing about ridiculous things and texting pictures of absolute nonsense. I miss seeing his name pop up in my inbox. He was a really good friend and a good man. It’s hard to accept that he’ll never allow me into his life and heart again. Right now I feel as if it’ll be impossible for me to forgive myself for what I said that started this whole unraveling of everything. And that’s why I cling to my faith. I have to completely depend on God for what’s impossible. Impossible is where God starts. I just have to show up. I have to try to trust Him to do what only He can do. And so I’ll try.
Hurting – yet hopeful,
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: Unfinished by Mandisa.
But I picked myself back up and I started telling me
No, my God’s not done making me a masterpiece.
He’s still working on me….
I’m just unfinished!
I take full responsibility for the events on the day of “the incident”. I was completely out of line. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I didn’t mean any of them. I regret my behavior that day. I think I always will. But dang it, why did you have to annihilate our entire friendship over my mistake? I understand it but I don’t. You knew me. You knew my heart. I had never once – not once – betrayed you or let you down, did I? That day I threw a temper tantrum. I behaved really badly. Couldn’t you see it was a cry for you to care that I needed to talk to you about something? Frustration because you wouldn’t engage in a conversation with me? I was frustrated that you didn’t do what you said you were going to do.
I really looked forward to our chats. You said you did, too. You told me you looked forward to it every Tuesday and Thursday. It would have been no biggie if you had just texted or emailed to let me know circumstances had changed. But you didn’t. I had no idea why you were effing with me. It was right after the hardest period in our “getting to know you” phase. It was complicated but we pushed through. That day I felt like you were laughing in my face. That could be the farthest thing from the truth, but that was my perception. That’s how I felt – like I didn’t matter to you in the least. And maybe I didn’t. Maybe I was delusional in thinking we had this deep connection. I hate myself for that. I feel so stupid. So. Freaking. Stupid.
If you asked me for something – anything – I wanted to do my best to make it happen. I enjoyed our talks. I cherished our friendship. Whatever you wanted, I was happy to comply. Anything from poses, to hotel room deliveries, to advice, to commuting entertainment or comic relief – I was in.
I was there for you. I cared about you. I never lied to you. Why did you take such extreme measures that day? Why didn’t you at least talk to me? You didn’t speak a word to me, you just started your quest to destroy me; you were determined to completely decimate me. And I probably deserved it that day at that moment, but overall…I don’t think it was the only choice you had. Why didn’t you ask me why I was freaking out? You never even gave me a chance to talk to you and let you know why I was so upset. I would never – not ever – have betrayed your trust. I think deep down you knew that, too. Were you just scared for some reason that day? Did you really believe me when I said I was going to expose our secrets? It was an awful thing to do and I shouldn’t have done it. But how could you so quickly betray our friendship? Haven’t you ever had an argument with someone before and said things you didn’t mean? Did it never occur to you that I was probably hurt and that you could have easily remedied the situation by just having a conversation with me? Why couldn’t you just tell me you’d call me in a few minutes or the next day or something? Literally anything? It felt so cold. I felt like a fool.
I know I was too desperate for reassurance. I needed to believe that all of the shenanigans weren’t some kind of joke or trap. And yes, I needed to know that I mattered to you outside of the pictures and the conversations that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You said a lot of really sweet things to me over those months. Those things affect a woman’s heart – well, at least they affected mine. It had been 15 years or more since I had shared the things I shared with you. I felt guilt about it (as I should have). I felt like there needed to be some sort of deeper connection there (as in a genuine friendship). Otherwise, what I did was even more despicable. I found myself frequently in a place of feeling anxious, questioning, jumping through hoops, and riding a roller coaster of ups, downs, twists and turns.
I know that was my own issue. I made the choice to try to make a friendship out of what really just amounted to two horny people sharing pictures and talking dirty. I honestly felt like I couldn’t let go because I needed something to show for the intimacy we shared. I know it was only through a screen or a phone, but you did find your way into my heart (and I told you that). I was ashamed of myself. That’s the truth. I know you felt incredible guilt, too. I needed you to let me know it was all going to be okay.
Just so you know, the way you treated me when we talked on the phone from your hotel that last night before we quit talking for a few weeks was devastating to me. I had gone to a lot of trouble to try to send something special that you specifically asked me to overnight to you and it just felt so much like a punch in the gut when the conversation took the sharp turn it took that evening. While you didn’t give it a second thought, I was hurting. I felt trashy and gross and ashamed. After weeks went by and we got in touch again I never stopped believing you were going to bail on me just like you had that night on the phone call from the hotel. I was afraid of being blindsided again. From my perspective your frostiness had come out of nowhere. Everything was so normal and fun when you left to go to dinner but after dinner was a different story. It was awful.
I want to be clear – I’m not justifying my behavior here, I just want to explain where my neediness and lack of certainty came from. You hurt me that night and for the weeks that went by with absolutely no contact at all. Looking back at it now I feel like even more of a fool for reaching out to you again. I missed our talks every day. I thought about you and wondered how you were doing every day. I doubt you ever wondered if I was okay. That stung.
I’m so mad at you right now for giving up on me like you did. I’m mad that you didn’t trust me. You had to know that I was just mouthing off. It had happened before. We had talked about that so many times before. I’m sure you’ve felt that way before, haven’t you? I promised you with everything in me that I would never ever do anything to hurt your “real” life. I made that promise to you so many times. I continually reassured you that you were safe. I promised to take care of you and protect you no matter what. I told you that if anything at all ever came up that I would willingly step up and take the fall. I’d take all the blame. I wouldn’t let you get hurt. I meant it, dammit. I never lied to you. Never. I would have never betrayed you. I kept my word. I kept my end of the bargain. Even after everything came crashing down around me, I tried desperately to protect you and make sure that everything was going to be okay for you.
You had to know that I cared about you and your life and your marriage and your family. I cared about all of the career options you were weighing at the time. I selfishly wanted you to stay at the company we were working for, but I cared more about you making the career move that was going to be the best for you professionally and more importantly, with your family. I encouraged you to keep looking for something that would give you more balance so that you could spend more time with your family. You were always running, doing, taking care of, working, taking classes, overstressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed. You had so much on your plate and I hated the toll it was taking on you. I cared about that.
I cared that you would go on a road trip and she barely acknowledged you were alive the whole time you were on the drive. I wanted to help you make it better. I wanted you to believe that there could be so much more than just existing or surviving in a relationship. I wanted you to let yourself feel. I wanted those things for you so much because I got to see a side of you that no one else gets to see. I know there is more to you, and I know how much you love her. You showed your love for her by the way you were present with your children. You showed your love by taking such good care of your family. You were there for her for anything she needed. You were supportive of her career. I wanted you to feel that love from her, too. I cared that you weren’t feeling it.
I cared that you told me you never laughed except for when we were talking. I couldn’t believe it when you said that. I wanted things to be brighter and better in your world. I really, really did. I cared that you were getting ready to coach a team, play on a team, take a break from school, and make time to do some things that you really enjoyed. I was rooting for you. I just never believed you were rooting for me. Not because you did anything wrong – you didn’t. It’s just that in the last couple of weeks I started to really feel a sense of indifference or apathy on your part. Things felt really off-balance; I felt out of control.
Right or wrong, there’s no feeling that cuts me as deeply as believing that I don’t matter to someone who I care about. I panicked, and I messed up. And you bailed. In a big way. I made a terrible mistake, but why did you want to absolutely ruin me? I get that it was bad. I get that I said I would ruin you. But again, you KNEW me. You knew I was lashing out in a moment of anger. You knew that you meant a lot to me and that I’d never betray you. Why, why did you betray me so quickly? I would’ve never done that to you. I’m in the wrong for what I texted and I’ll shout it from the rooftops. I own that. I was so wrong. But being the one that made the mistake doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. I’m really hurt by what you did. And knowing that you honestly don’t give a shit about how my heart and life were affected by any of it is hard to accept. But eventually I will. Eventually everything will be okay again.
Permanently Pushed Out,
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: Push by Matchbox Twenty.