I may as well admit that I enjoyed the brief time of flirting and fantasizing. I can admit that I was totally into it. I can admit that I looked forward to your emails and I enjoyed pushing limits on the things we shared with each other. It’s true – I was extremely attracted to you. I can even admit that I wanted all of the things we talked about to happen. That wasn’t bullshit. I really did. These truths are embarrassing and ugly and unacceptable. They’re against everything I’ve always stood for and believed in. They’re wrong. But I confess to all of the above. I’m guilty.
I can also attest with 100% honesty that I’m really glad we put a stop to taking things too far in our email and conversations. I’m beyond thankful that nothing physical ever took place between us. I can say without hesitation that I truly meant it when I told you that I valued our friendship way more than all of the other shenanigans.
I’ll admit that I missed that part of us sometimes. I’ll even go so far as admitting that there were still times I thought about you in that way. Still times I fantasized about what it might have been like to have just one experience with you. I admit I wondered more frequently than I should have what it would feel like if you kissed me. I desperately wanted to feel your arms around me and I wanted you to look down at me and kiss me more passionately than you’ve kissed anyone in years. I wanted that. Even in the friendship only phase there were moments I secretly longed for that. It hurts me and I’m ashamed to admit those things, but I acknowledge all of them. They’re true and every emotion I felt was real. I am that person. Those thoughts and desires were mine.
Most of all and 99% of the time though, I just loved you in a simple way. The way one friend loves another friend. You felt like such a kindred spirit to me. I’m not kidding when I say I wanted us to love each other so much and in such an innocent way that we would introduce our families to each other and be a part of each other’s lives. I believed it would be a well-known fact that we were best friends and that there wouldn’t be anything weird and nothing would be hidden from anyone at any time. There wouldn’t be any secrets. There wouldn’t be any hidden desires or longing. It would just be me and you – friends. As it always should have been. I loved you, Schmoopy. Unquestionably, I still love you. I wish I hadn’t been having one of those 1% moments that day. But I was. And I let emotions take over reason and decency. I let them take me to a place I should have never gone with my words. I regret it. So much. But it is, in fact, a part of my story line. It’s written in permanent marker. It can’t be erased.
I have no idea what the next plotline is going to be. As a control freak this really drives me crazy. I wish I could opt for some shortcut to get over this or through this or past this so that I could have some immediate relief. But I know that would have devastating consequences. Again, from the quote I referenced in a previous post – the worst mistake anyone makes is the one they don’t learn from. For this reason, I won’t look for the shortcuts. I’ll continue to ponder all of these truths and all of my mistakes and I’ll learn. And take Ambien at least a couple of nights a week to quiet these thoughts so that I can dream. Perhaps sometimes we can meet there – in my dreams.
Goodnight with Love,