I never meant for it to end this way. Actually, I never meant for it to end at all. What an unlikely friendship, the two of us. Yet from the beginning I knew we were meant to be in each other’s lives. We had some sort of magical chemistry between us – the kind that you’re lucky to find even once in a lifetime. But then we messed it up. We went disgustingly off script. We misinterpreted that magical chemistry of friendship for something more even though both of us knew deep down it shouldn’t be. It couldn’t be. And though that period of time was short and we both quickly came to our senses, the damage had been done. The writing was on the wall. We had been too vulnerable with one another and shared too many secrets with each other in that short time without even taking the time to really get to know one another. We both had good intentions of taking the friendship back to where it should have stayed all along, but the fear of being found out, exposed, left behind, humiliated, and hurt proved to keep things off-balance just enough that we never quite made it back to where we belonged. And that really sucks. I truly believe if all of that short-lived silliness hadn’t happened our bond would have lasted a lifetime. As unlikely a pair as we were, it worked. Really well. Until it didn’t.
You know the things other people think about doing in their head but never actually really end up doing? Well not me. No-sir-ee. It’s safe to say that my sanity generally rests on my ability to control a situation, and when I can’t, well…that’s when my “crazy” shines the brightest. Never once in the history of one of those episodes where emotion completely takes over all logic have I ever done something that one would consider worthy of logging into their book of life’s finest moments. Such was the case last week when I crossed the line. It was the fatal day for our friendship; most certainly one of the worst days of my entire life.
I’ve never been in a situation like this. I’ve never felt so embarrassed and ashamed and filled with regret. I’m responsible for awful words spoken that can never be taken back. Resulting in actions that can never be undone. Lives changed all because of words. Words I didn’t mean. Not a single one of them. I spoke them. I did this.
I have no idea how to make peace with myself over sending empty words within a 2 minute time frame that changed the course of both of our lives. So here I am doing something I’ve never done before. I know that there is no way to get around pain. The only thing I can do is to walk straight through it. And apparently this is going to be a “useful tool” to help me do just that. My secret place to journey through the pain. A place where I hope to turn regret into restoration. But for now, grief. I miss you, my friend. And I’m so very sorry.
Filled with Regret,
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: The muted trombone “wah wah” from Debbie Downer. What? It’s true.