It’s been a little over a week and there are already so many things I wish I could tell you about nothing. There are times when I’m so overwhelmed with work or I see something that makes me laugh so hard I cry, and I immediately want to call you. We really “got” each other. You appreciated my sometimes dark sense of humor and the quirky way that I tend to view things, and I adored your quick wit and humor. So much of the workday joy and fun disappeared when you left. I know I have only myself to blame for that, and that ugly fact makes it even more difficult to accept. I don’t really know what to write today, so I’ll just tell you some of the things I would have told you if we were still friends.
I got my DNA results from 23andme.com and some of the “insights” they gave me based on said DNA is freaking fabulous. For instance, I have more Neanderthal variants than 53% of the people in the world. This explains a lot, right? One of those variants has “likely influenced height”. My body has trouble metabolizing ibuprofen and naproxen. Apparently I’m at a high risk for baldness, various types of disgusting eye diseases/issues, several types of cancers, and diabetes. If (God forbid) I were to get lung cancer and if it was treated with gefitinib I am four times more likely to get diarrhea than the average person. You’ve got to wonder how in the world they got enough data to list this as a significant point of interest, huh? If I had a tonsillectomy or adenoidectomy I would need increased doses of morphine due to increased perception of pain (woohoo!). I’m unlikely to live to 100. I’m more susceptible to mad cow disease than most. I have a slightly thinner left hemisphere cortex and thus a slight decrease in verbal and non-verbal IQ (good for the ol’ self-esteem). I’m more likely to have hyper arousal, impaired fear discrimination, and am at a high risk of having “nonsense word repetition problems”. Umm…chew on that for a minute. Two more that are possibly my favorites are that I’m “bad at avoidance of errors” and “less likely to learn from my mistakes”. So there you have it. Those definitely would have been some talking points on your commute home today.
I got a pop up news alert on my phone late last night that a study had come out with the best and worst places to raise children in America. This particular author concluded New Hampshire was the best. Any guess as to what was the number one absolute WORST place to raise children? Yeppers. That would be the state I’m living in right this very minute. Warm fuzzies over here. My nine-year old decided to surprise me last night by starting a load of laundry. Let your imagination take you where you think that might have gone. Whatever you are picturing right now, it was worse.
Two nights ago at bedtime the girls had many questions about milkers and how they work. I’ll leave out the juicy details and just tell you it ended with the little one saying “I thought you just squeezed ‘em into a cup like you do with a goat”. A GOAT?! That was the funniest part of the whole conversation to me. Why in the world would she associate milk with a goat instead of a cow?
As you can see, it was a whole lotta’ nada. But we would have had fun talking about these things. I wish like hell I could go back to last Wednesday and take back the stupid things I said. Because I didn’t mean them and if I hadn’t said them we’d still be sharing life. That’s a frustrating impossibility, but it’s difficult to not think about it frequently. I miss you, friend. I think I’ll always miss you. It’s a rare and wondrous thing to find a friend with whom you can connect so well. Instead of preserving it and nurturing it I let my temporary emotions control my actions. But trust me Schmoopy…despite what my genes might say about my inability to avoid errors or learn from my mistakes, I promise you I’ve learned from this mistake. Unfortunately, it cost me our friendship.
Scientifically Proven Stoopider,
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill.