Dear Rob Szczesny,
I feel compelled to write you this letter. The truth is, I’ve thought about you quite a bit today. I distinctly remember talking on the phone with you for a couple of hours exactly 365 days ago today. We chatted as you were sitting in your car in a parking lot trying to think of something – anything, really – to write in the card you would be giving your wife for Valentine’s Day that evening. I tried to get you to go outside your comfort zone and be a little romantic, but you wouldn’t budge. You told me it just wasn’t how you all were with each other. We talked a lot that day about love and our relationships. I remember telling you that I wished you could have the kind of loving and fun relationship that I have with Mr.Kitt-en. One year later, I still hope all of the same things for you. I hope a whole host of things for you today with an intensity I don’t think I’ve felt over the past 8 months. Robert Szczesny
I hope there’s a little more love and a lot more communication between the two of you. I hope she prefers your company to her phone. I hope she tells you about all that’s going on in her life instead of only sharing the normal every day things with her mom or her sister. I hope you all go to bed at the same time at least a few times a week. I hope you hold hands or hold each other from time to time even though that’s not “how you are.”
I hope she puts the socks in a drawer. I hope she wiped off the sticky soap on the washing machine. I hope you all talk when you’re in the car on the way to visit your parents. I hope she’s helping you out with things at the house a little bit more. I hope you all verbally express your love and appreciation for one another. And I really, really hope you’ve started laughing again. Of all of the things you ever confided in me, I felt the most sadness over that one. You have such a great sense of humor and I literally pray for laughter to be a common presence in your life and in your home. It just makes everything – absolutely everything – so much better.
There are so many stories I’ve wished I could tell you over the past 8 months. In some ways my life seems to be a never ending comedy sketch. In a good way. I loved the way you cracked up at my stories. We had an amazing run there for a while, Schmoopy. Over time the severity of my kalopsia has decreased and yet I still believe it’s true. We were meant to be friends. Good friends, even. And yet we’re not, which is actually okay. It really is. It’s just unfortunate because I think we would have been if the timing had been different. Robert Szczesny
Schmoops, I wish you’d just talked to me. I was out of line and you had every right to put me in my place. Confessions, lawyers, and the executives at work should have never been involved. If you had ever just once told me you were fed up and that I better never say any of the BS again or you were going to unleash hell on me I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have realized what a crazy witch I was being and I would have never said any of the things I shouldn’t have said again. I realize I should have never said them in the first place, but I did. For so many (inexcusable) reasons. But that’s not who I was 98% of the time we knew each other, and that is most definitely not who I am at heart. If you had given me the courtesy of a warning things would be so different. Why does that matter? I guess maybe it doesn’t now, but I keep coming back to the same word…unfortunate. It’s just unfortunate.
I was talking to a co-worker a couple of days ago that I’ve developed a pretty good friendship with in recent months. She was talking about visiting her best friend in a couple of months and then she told me about how they had met almost 20 years ago when they both worked at the same place. They haven’t worked together in 18 years, but their friendship endured. They both got married, moved far away from each other, started families and now all these years later they still travel with their families to see each other. They talk almost every day. She said he’s like the brother she never had. I thought about you. I’m completely aware of the fact that we took a little detour in our minds but it was incredibly brief and at the end of the day just really freaking stupid. Fun, but such a moment of weakness and idiocy on both of our parts. It isn’t the part that mattered.
I know none of this matters. Still, I wanted to say these things to you today if only in an anonymous post that you’ll never see. Valentine’s Day seemed like as good a day as any to tell you that I’m honestly glad all of this happened. I wouldn’t trade our short friendship even if I had known it would have such a nasty ending. I know that there was a reason for us coming into each others lives. I’ve learned a lot about grace, patience, and resiliency – things that will serve me well for the rest of my life. So today, I thank you for the good times and the bad times. I’m better for them, and I hope you can say the same. I’m really happy and okay and fulfilled and at peace and I hope you can say the same. My life is full of love, and I hope with all my heart that you can say the same.
I really did think the friendship would be endless, and I hate that it wasn’t. But just because I now know that the time we had together was finite, it doesn’t make it any less precious.
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: With or Without You by U2. Their music never gets old.