My prediction early yesterday morning was right. I was a little bit melancholy for much of the day. Not down-in-the-dumps-miserable or anything, but there was definitely a feeling of sadness hanging over me. It didn’t help that the weather matched my mood. It was chilly and rainy all day long.
That being said, I feel really good about how well I’ve been able to keep my emotions at an appropriate level for what’s going on. What’s going on is that I lost a dear friend. What’s going on is that he hates my guts and thinks I’m crazy. It bothers me way more than it should, but I realize as the person that feels responsible for acting like a moron that day I tend to remember his friendship in a more magical way than it actually was.
I made up my mind last night to let my thoughts gravitate toward my blessings, and they are many. A happy marriage, two healthy and beautiful children, healthy parents, and a solid group of friends that I love dearly. They believe in me. They think I’m nice and good and funny and worthy of their friendship. This dude is one person. One special person, yes. One person I’m going to miss for a long time. But he doesn’t get to be the deciding vote for what kind of person I will be perceived as by the rest of the free world. I have to remember that. He just gets one vote. I made it to 40 years of age without having any enemies. That’s unreal! Forty years and not one other person that I let into my heart has shut me out. That’s a blessing in and of itself because there have been many times that it’s probably what I deserved. One person every 40 years or so ought to be acceptable, right?
I’m such a big fan of grace. It covers a multitude of sins, shortcomings, and disappointments. I’ve never been sorry for showing grace to someone when they needed it, and I’ve always been humbled when I’ve been on the receiving end of it. I made a terrible mistake. Now I’ve given a heartfelt apology for it. I’ve gone to the people I’ve offended (including him) in complete humility. Now I think it’s time to start showing myself grace. To let myself off the hook for a few minutes of emotionally driven texts. You made mistakes, too, Rob Szczesny.
Romans 12:18 says “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” As far as it depends on me, I’ve done all I can do. I did everything I could from my side to make it right. There’s nothing more I can do.
Before a new chapter can begin, the old one has to be finished. It’s time to really take the finality of this friendship in. What we shared for a little while was glorious, but it’s never coming back.
I saw a quote on Pinterest not long ago that I loved so much I had to take a screenshot. It seems incredibly fitting here in this moment. It said “Your heart’s strength is measured by how hard it holds on. Your self worth and faith is measured by finally letting go.” I’m letting go, Rob Szczesny. It takes time, but I’m on my way.
I pray for my faith and self worth to be strengthened and affirmed by my Savior. I pray for the strength to completely let go. I’m depending on God to do what only He can do. I need His help with completely releasing my grip. I say I have faith that He’ll catch me when I do. The time has come to put those words into practice. There are blessings ahead. Joy comes in the morning. Even without you, Rob Szczesny.
Currently playing in the soundtrack of my mind: Ugh. This is so cliché that I’m embarrassed to type it, but I’m keeping it real. Let it Go by Idina Menzel. I think it played on repeat for two straight years in the playroom. I hope I can let the song go quickly out of my mind, too.